So, yeah. Life's been a little insane this week. Ok, maybe "little" isn't the word. Very insane, stressful, heart-breaking... I've cried so much this week alone to make up for a year's worth of tears, I think. And I'm not a crier.
So, a little background. My best friend, we've been friends for over 20 years. Since junior high. We didn't go to the same school, except for one year, and not again until college. She went to a private school. Lots of stuff happened in those years. Her parents went through a nasty, nasty divorce. She was raped. Her mother got remarried. She had a stroke. She went through rehab. And on top of all that, the usual teen stuff like dating and such. We've been through a HELL of a lot together. And then we attended the same college. So, we went through a lot of stuff there together too. Our friendship was the best, until she met this guy.
June, the summer before my final year of college, she asked me my opinion on age differences in dating. Like, what I thought of people dating that were 10 years apart. I remember this conversation over ice cream we had at the top of a local mountain. I remember looking out over the town and choosing my words, about how I felt it depended on the people and actual ages. Obviously, I'd question a 16 and 26 year old dating over a 50 and 60 year old dating. I remember saying how there were a lot of different variables that would make a difference in such a relationship.
A few weeks later, I met her "boyfriend". We stopped for ice cream at a local establishment, and were there for maybe all of a half hour before they had to go. I didn't get much on him. In that brief encounter, he seemed "ok". Funny thing is, I had never heard about this guy. And I didn't see her the rest of that summer, she was constantly "busy". I was a bit confused. I never hear any stories of "how we met" or anything. Nothing. This guy was a mystery. I was concerned because she had gotten out of a psycho relationship months before. And, yeah, this guy was 10 years older (so, 22 and 32).
My concern REALLY increased when I return to college at the end of August/beginning of September and she's suddenly thrilled and showing off an engagement ring. I hadn't really had a chance to chat with her like we usually did. I know it was her life, but up until that point, we had always seeked out each other's counsel on these things. And here I was, left in the dark about this guy, as was everyone else. She claimed she'd known him for a year before dating him, but I'd never, ever heard his name mentioned in any way. All of us girls that were friends were very concerned for her. She was planning her wedding (as was I at the time, I had been engaged since that March) and nothing was stopping her. I even pleaded with her, in tears, that she should wait until she's at least done with school, there's no rush into marriage. But she wouldn't have it. She was planning her wedding for the following July.
During that time, I went through some rough times. I broke off my engagement and for 3 months, I was in turmoil. I had gotten cold feet about the "forever" of marriage. We had been together since high school and I hadn't had much dating experience. I felt so isolated, because she was on cloud nine with her plans and had no time to talk. Thankfully, I got through my issues, and my boyfriend and I got back together and engaged again shortly after. We decided to marry that August. I was graduating in May.
I was her Maid of Honor. She was to be mine. Her wedding was a little chaotic, and I felt I got left out of a lot of things. The dresses were, well, felt more like nightgowns from Little House on the Prairie, while she was in this very formal gown and the guys were in tuxes. I still had my reservations during the whole ceremony, and when the ceremony was over and we were walking down the aisle, I had this feeling of dread, as if I just lost her. I got to the end and lost it. Thankfully, my boyfriend was waiting, because he knew, and was able to pull me aside into a private corner so I could compose myself. Anyone that saw, just assumed I was emotional because my own wedding was the next month.
After her wedding, I heard from her once. She'd come back from her honeymoon (a cruise) and had a question because she had developed an STD while away. I questioned her about him, because the only way you could get it was, well, from him. She said nonsense, and that was that. I'd try calling her about wedding stuff, or just to talk, and he'd answer, saying she was busy and call back or she was out. She'd never call back. I was getting upset and angry. She wasn't showing up for dress fittings, or any other plans. She even left for vacation for 2 weeks before my wedding. At that point, I didn't know if she was going to show up for my wedding. I made a very painful decision to replace her with my sister-in-law-to-be, and my friend, if she showed, would just be a bridesmaid. And I didn't even get to tell her this until a few days before my wedding, when she called me to ask what time the wedding was.
After my wedding, we didn't speak to each other. I gave up trying to call her. He always answered and she was "never there". I really missed her. I even wrote her a few letters, including finding out I was pregnant with my first child. I didn't get to share that much with her, she just wasn't there. She also had a child, after mine, and I really missed out on sharing all those mommy moments of firsts. Other friends of ours also had concerns. He was a very controlling man.
Problems started cropping up. People started telling me things about him drinking. One thing led to another, and a couple of us decided something needed to be done. We organized a trip to her house, without her knowing, and met with her. An intervention. There was rumor of him abusing their daughter, driving drunk with the kids, being violent. She was angry, defensive. She yelled at us, how dare us tell her what is what. We left, more convinced than ever that stuff was happening. We went so far as to go to the police department to talk to someone about it. After that, she didn't call or contact any of us. I had tried calling, but got hung up on, and I wrote to her, but we don't know if she even got them.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I got an email from an acquaintance, telling me my friend's husband was in the hospital and not doing well. Apparently, his family stepped in and he agreed to go to a rehab for alcohol abuse. While there, he went into seizures and slipped into a coma. His chances were slim for survival. He had liver and pancreas failure and a bunch of other stuff. I called my friend's mom, and she confirmed it. I called our other friends, and I wrote her a note, telling her I was thinking of her and that she could call me. She didn't call, I didn't know if she got the letter. But at that point, I felt it wasn't right to call her. She was stressed enough and I didn't know how she felt about me for me to just call.
Sunday, I got an email from the same acquaintance. My friend's husband had passed away the previous night. I was shocked, sadden. Not for him. For her. I didn't quite know how to feel. Part of me felt relief that he was gone. I felt he was a major cause for the breakdown in my friendship with her. But, I didn't want to admit that relief, because it's just not right. But I felt bad for her, what she was going through. What she will go through. She has 2 small children. She's never really worked. Everything they had was in his name. She had nothing. I called her Monday, talked to her. Boy, was that a tough call. But I am so glad I made it.
So, Tuesday, we went to the wake. I had called our other two friends, and they went as well. It was emotional, but not for the reason of his death. It was emotional for my friend. Not seeing her in over a year. And she apologized to us for not listening to us last year. She wants to mend fences and start over. She angry at him for bringing this on herself. And I was surprised at how many people were openly angry at him, and almost glad he was gone. I know for us (me and our friends), there are a lot of questions we may never know the answers to.
So, I am worried about her now. I know after all the formalities settled down with family and dealing with his funeral and such, that reality has to be faced. This I worry about. I'd feel so lost if I were in her place. I have no regrets being a stay-at-home-mom, but in a situation like this, she's now thrown into having to work to support herself and her children. Being the alcoholic he was, I don't know what kind of financial situation he's left her with, and that's a scary prospect. Part of me hopes she'll move back out here, closer to her family, and I am willing to help in anyway I can. I think that would be her best option, but it is her life and her decision.
*sigh*
6 years ago
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