Rude awakening

No, it wasn't the 7am trombone player. It's cold out now at nights, so the windows are finally closed. Nope, this was a nightmare. Ever have one of those nightmares you just can't shake? UGH...

So, for some reason, Bill and I are with this tour group, touring this large, kind of "future" city. Everything was like you'd see in a sci-fi flick for the year 2240 or something. Weird building shapes, personal crafts flying around, in and out of buildings, monorail-type trains, etc. A very futuristic city. Lots of tall buildings. There was this one HUGE building, our destination for the tour. It was next to these two HUGE mountains, like something you'd see in the West, two rock formations straight up in the air. And there's a lake at the bottom. The building is sort of built into one of the mountains.
Anywho, so we are touring this building, that houses allll sorts of stuff. A shopping mall, a hospital (with a landing pad for air ambulances), living quarters, research facilities... you name it, it was probably there. Now, I know no one in this tour besides Bill, everyone is that nameless, faceless dream "extra". Yet, we seem to know everyone. We're laughing, carrying on, having a great time. I was in a wheelchair, and someone else was pushing me, Bill was walking ahead a bit with some guys. We get up to this large outdoor deck area that ramps up to the next floor. It's like a large observation deck. The 23rd floor. Lots of people are around, admiring the view and moving along. We were slowing heading towards these glass doors, Bill had gone in already, I could see him. People outside started saying, "OMG! Look!!" and pointing up to the sky. Lots of little crafts were zooming around, but there was this one with a parachute on the end. It was the space shuttle. It was scheduled to land that day, but no where NEAR where we were. We all knew something was wrong because the parachute shouldn't have been out, and it shouldn't have been flying where it was. It looked like it was going to try to manuver between the two rock mountains. I tried calling to Bill, but he was too far to hear me. We watched the shuttle crash into the side of the mountain. It didn't explode, just hit and fell into the lake. Then people just shrugged and said they hoped they could get the survivors out since it didn't explode. So, everyone starts back into the building. I was trying to call to Bill to tell him what we saw, but he couldn't hear me and was just talking to the guy next to him. All of a sudden, the person pushing me turned me around and started pushing me quickly to the edge of the deck. I asked what they were doing, and they didn't answer. I tried calling to Bill again, screaming, but he couldn't hear me. The person started running, and I couldn't do anything. They pushed me right off the deck as I was screaming, but no one could help me. I saw the street below coming up fast. And basically, everything went black as I would've hit, and I woke up right then with a yell and grabbing Bill's arm and shaking. I was WIDE awake. I was so freaked out.

Now, I've had dreams before that were intense, but this was the first time it's been my own demise like that. I had that falling sensation you sometimes get just as you're falling asleep that jerks you awake. There's a term for it, I just can never remember it. I learned it in psychology. But man, not the best wake up call!

Tagged

The Rules:

"Now, if you’ve been tagged with the meme game from Twitter, you must post 6 things no one knows about you on your blog. Then you have to tag 6 more people - don’t forget to let them know they’ve been tagged. Leave me a comment letting me know that you’ve accepted the tag. Let me know when you’ve posted your list and make sure there’s a link back to my blog"

1. I used to be on a bowling league as a teen and have many trophies.

2. I am extremely shy.

3. I am addicted to wintergreen Lifesavers. There is a bowl of them on my desk.

4. I don't care for roses, they die too quick. I prefer carnations for various reasons.

5. I wish I had majored in Psychology in college.

6. I wish a certain person wasn't in my childrens' lives from day one. But I don't have a choice without causing tons of stress and mayhem. Thankfully the exposure is VERY minimal.

Thanks Beth! :-P http://www.meltingmama.net

The other shoe sorta dropped

Yeah, it was bound to happen. I knew it would. Ok, so it wasn't as BAD as it could've been, but did it all have to START on Monday???

So, this week was already shot because of my impending Jury Duty. That never comes around at a convenient time in life. So, I had that hanging over my head like a dark cloud until Tuesday after 3pm when I could call to see if I had to show up.

So, Bill worked a double shift Monday. I was getting the kids dinner, and I nearly slipped on something in the kitchen. My leg twisted a little, and I heard (and felt) a *pop*. It wasn't my LEG, it was my brace. I thought one of the locks at the knee popped up, but I checked those, they were fine. So that *pop* could only mean one thing.... My brace broke. Lovely. Just LOVELY. It's Monday night and I have NO time during the week to get it fixed. I called my parents, because Bill works all week, except Wednesday. But even if I COULD get an appointment Wednesday, there's that little detail of Jury Duty. ARGH!!! So Dad offered to come up Tuesday to take a look at it. The metal bar was cracked halfway across at the point of a screw.

So, Tuesday, I call my brace man to see what options I have there. His office is 45 mins away, so it's not just a trip across town. Luckily, he also has an office 2 towns away from my parents, and they have someone there M-W-F, and lo and behold! one of his associates that I know well will be there Wednesday! They could take the brace then, bring it to the main office to fix, and have it back Friday. Sweeeet! And I don't have to go, my mom could drop it off and pick it up. So, Dad comes up to retrieve the broken brace. Later that day, I call the court house after 3pm, and listen to the recording. ALL jurors were cancelled for Wednesday! YEE HAW!!!

So then, I was kinda peeved at Bill because he's gone EVERY NIGHT this week. Tues and Thurs, he has class for EMT recertification, but the rest he was working. My aunt and uncle are in town this week from Oregon, and that left NO time to see them. So, he took Friday night off. Now he's upset because we may not even be doing anything now. Grrr... I can't win!

All this and I'm PMSing this week. Double GRRRR... and my house is a disaster since I've been a bit incapacitated with the broken brace.

On a good note... my best friend called me this morning. She had a question for me that "only an old friend would understand". Hehe... god how I've missed that!!! Just the little quirky things that make her HER. We had a nice little chat. She talked to our other friend last night she said, and we're planning a get-together next month. It's past due, and in light of everything, the four of us need this. We need to regroup now, and catch up, move on... I'm just so beyond thrilled. I can't even find words to describe the incredible elated feelings I have. I tear up just thinking how great this feeling is to have her back.

Blah bleh bluh...

I love fall, but I don't love these cold, gloomy, overcast days. They drag me down, make me want to just curl up back in bed and snuggle down. Bill doesn't go to work until 3 this afternoon, so we've just been "chillin'" this morning. The new job is going wonderful, the kids love it that they can have breakfast with Daddy in the mornings. And we haven't had to put gas in the van since... September 17. And he went to the offices for a benefits meeting, he was still "on the clock" for it, and he EVEN got paid mileage for going down there. We were like "holy crap!" His old job NEVER, EVER did that. If he had to go to the main office for anything, it was on HIS dime. So, big change there!

I'm getting sick of politics. I hate politics. I've never liked them, never will. Think what you will. I am not a registered voter. I will not BE a registered voter any time soon. I will not be voting for President. I don't feel like I need to constantly justify myself, but here I will, just once...

I am not anti-American just because I don't wish to participate in government events. Honestly, I think the government is a bit messed up no matter WHAT side you look at. There is no good guys or bad guys. To me, a candidate will say and "promise" what the general public wants to hear, just to get the vote. It never happens. Those "promises"? Yeah, right. Even at a local level, it's the same deal. Government leaders are greedy. Why? Because if they REALLY wanted to help "the people", they wouldn't have issue with cutting their OWN paychecks. Do they REALLY need to live in fancy mansions and live the high life, while the average person they preach to about "change" struggles to get dinner on the table every night or worries about losing their home.
I think there is a lot of corruption in the ranks, I don't want a part of it. Yes, I know THEIR actions and decisions effect me in the long run, but honestly, even if I COULD vote, I'd have no one TO vote for when I can't believe in any of the options. So, the day when someone actually makes good on their "promises" and brings back a sense of faith in the leadership of this great country, maybe then, I will gladly register to vote.

I put that topic right up there with the many parental debates... to breastfeed or not to breastfeed, to circumcise or not to circumcise, homeschool vs. public school, etc. TO EACH HIS OWN. Just agree to disagree, the world would be a better place.

Last Hump Day of September

Well, I have to say, things are going well. As I told my mom, I'm a little scared and waiting for the shoe to drop somewhere, because our life has never been this "smooth" and easy-sailing.

Bill's transition over to his new job has gone well. He started Monday, and for these two weeks, is being paid as a double full-timer. He's technically on vacation from the store for two weeks, to use up his hours at his rate of pay. When he starts part-time, obviously, his pay rate decreases, but it still won't be bad. He's getting the capped rate for the position, since his current/previous one was a capped rate. He says he has about 10 weeks of training, there's a lot to learn. Not sure where he'll have to go for his exam though. But he's happy to be done with the store he was in, and that's working out all around because the hours he's available to work for part-time, are hours his former boss needs someone for. I asked Bill if Joe was throwing a "welcoming" party for Bill LOL. Like, Sundays are time and a half at the store, and Joe needs someone on Sundays. Works great!

The girls started dance classes yesterday. LOTS of kids there! Evie's class was first. She's taking tap/ballet. It's only a 30-minute class for the little ones. This is Evie's first class for anything. She got her stuff, got in line, waved to me and was gone. No looking back. She is just so independent! She loved it, too. Kelsey's class was after Evie's. Same class, different age group. I put Kelsey in the 5-6 class, even though she will be 7 in November. I figured, she can be on the immature side most times, and that it would be better for her. She LOVED it. Her class is 45-minutes long. She's all about the technique of dancing. Evie was more into just the movement. Kelsey's been randomly breaking out into her moves she learned all morning lol.

A couple weeks ago, we got a letter from the school district, approving us for homeschooling. I have to laugh that the LETTER was dated July 1. I didn't send in my letter until July 10th. And the envelope was postdated September 19th. I really try to NOT be cynical with the school department, but sometimes they make it too easy. One year, I think it was the first year we had to report, they sent me a letter addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Daniel R. They obviously didn't read my letter. It was quite clear that my SON was Daniel. And with all the ridiculousness they went through this year with budget malarkey, I just want no part of that irresponsibility to be a part of my children's lives. It's bad enough they had to close a few schools in town and 4th grade has been moved to the middle school. I just don't agree with that. I think priorities got messed up along the way. Maybe if I lived in a different town, I'd feel differently. C'est le vie!

I'm alive!!!

Geesh, I haven't posted in so long. So much stuff has been going on!! So, this post will most likely be long, since so much has happened since my last post. I will start with updates from my last post.

I had my appointment with the surgeon. I am definitely a candidate for surgery. And will have it. I was going to this fall, but I have decided that it might be wise for me to wait until after the first of the year. As much as I'd love to have ANY improvement in breathing, I have so much that goes on in the fall/end of the year, that for me to throw in a surgery plus recovery time would be insane. I've got Halloween, which, anyone with kids knows that is a MAJOR holiday, Kelsey's birthday, Thanksgiving, Danny's birthday, Christmas... I just can't see being out of commission for any of that. There is no 4-6 week "downtime" to fit in there at all. So, since I've been dealing with this for so long now, I can deal a few more months.

Now, the other interesting thing is, it seems like this whole diaphragm paralysis thing is a mystery. Story of my life. But, all tests, past and present, leads to the belief that this is something I have had, at least for the past ten years (as far back as my records go for respitory stuff). So, if it's something I've had, the puzzling thing is, why did I ONLY become symptomatic in Dec. 2007? Why didn't I have issues previously? And it's obviously not something I can "fake", since it's all medically documented stuff. Ten years ago, I was pregnant with Danny, and admitted to the hospital at 8 months with a severe celluitis infection in my left leg. I was transferred to the bigger hospital that has a NICU and high risk pregnancy ward because I had also developed pnuemonia and they didn't know if they'd need to take the baby. That was when my first "official" respitory numbers came up. But, they were abnormal because I had pnuemonia. Fast forward to 2006, I was again in the hospital with a celluitis infection. This is 3 kids and my 5th infection after the first. They monitored me for pnuemonia since I was in bed and heavily medicated. With decreased breath sounds on the left side, they sent me for a chest x-ray. It was mentioned about a possible question then of a paralyzed diaphragm, but since focus was on my leg infection, it was forgotten about. I wasn't bothered by breathing then. Fast forward to last December. I had had a bad cold over Thanksgiving. Then I really started breathing heavy, enough that Bill brought me into the ER, thinking I had pnuemonia. And there, it started all this. Wierd? Yes, it is. The doctors are stumped. You don't just wake up one day and have a paralyzed diaphragm. Such is my life, the medical freak.

Next update... Bill went for that interview, and didn't get THAT job. However, a couple days later, they called him. Someone else had just quit and there was now a position open. The schedule was pretty flexible to create his own. So, long story short, he gave the store his 2 week's notice and has 5 days of work left there. He is transferring back up here as a PT clerk. So much is right about this. We were worried about health insurance, but since he's already an employee and has been for a year, his benefits will kick in right away. It will still be a pay cut, but, we will survive. And since his pay at the store was capped, they are giving him the PT capped rate, which he wasn't expecting! The schedule is wonderful for us too. All around, everything is just falling into place and going so smoothly. I'm almost afraid it's going TOO smoothly!! I'm just hoping for once, we're getting a break and running into some GOOD luck.

Speaking of good luck... Bill had brought me to the ER one night in July. I had a very severe headache, beyond migraine. I was throwing up, and, as he put it, "altered mental status". I couldn't see straight. So, I spent the night in the ER. After some morphine, CAT scan of my brain, a spinal tap (OMG, that SO hurt, and about the only thing I truly recall clearly), nothing came of any of it. Again, story of my life, I'm the medical oddity. Everyone is aware something's "not right", yet all tests come back normal, and then, *poof*, I'm fine. It disturbs me, because, regardless of the doctors and nurses agreeing that, "you puked all over the place and look like hell" deal, it's like my body is playing games. ANYWAY... so, I get a bill from the hospital... that fun sleepover rang into a tune of $5000. *gasp, faint* Insurance picked up all but $1000 of it. Like I have THAT lying around. So, I call up the good people in billing to arrange a payment plan. I give the nice lady the info, I hear her *clicky clicking* her keyboard, and pause. Then she tells me... "It looks like your insurance put in an adjustment again. Your balance is zero. You're all set, the account is taken care of." I seriously asked her to repeat that. And then I almost burst into tears. Because... That. Never. Ever. Happens.

More good stuff. Bill and I went on our 3rd honeymoon. Our deal is, every 5 years, we get to go away for a few days for our anniversary. Five years ago, we went back to the Cape, where we took our honeymoon. This year, we took 5 days and went up to Maine. Way up, to Bar Harbor area. It was a lovely time. We started out early, hit Hampton Beach area and had breakfast at the Airport Cafe (AWESOME food! highly recommend it!), then headed up to Bangor, where we stayed. Oh it was so lovely! And we had awesome weather. We even took a drive up into Canada! I had never been to Canada. We didn't really plan it, so we didn't have any birth certificates or passports. We tempted fate on that, not knowing if they'd let us return back into the U.S. We had a LOVELY dinner in St. Andrews, New Brunswick. Right on the dock of the bay. It was so lovely. And, they let us back into the country lol. It was seriously the best vacation ever. This is one of my favorite pictures from St. Andrews...

Anyway, I think that's all my updates for now!

Sunshine coming through!

Well, the day didn't START sunshiny! I had a doctor's appointment today, follow-up to my sleep study I had done. I don't have sleep apnea, thank goodness, but I do have an issue. Because of my current respitory issue, the paralyzed diaphragm, I have more carbon dioxide that doesn't get forced out of my lungs at night. Sooo... after going for a second opinion last week, I now have an appointment with a thoracic surgeon in two weeks. After that, I will be having surgery on my diaphragm, called a plication. As of now, I won't know details until my appointment.

So... first ray of sunshine. Bill has an interview tomorrow at the ambulance company for a full time dispatcher. He is currently a per diem EMT and wanting out of the store. Even though it's dispatcher, he's full time there. He can still EMT, and after a year, if an EMT position opens, he can take it. If he gets it, he will step down from his assistant manager position to just a part time clerk and transfer back up to the store here in town. This would all be a blessing, a bit of a pay cut, but with gas prices, we're dropping $60-$70 a week in gas now. If he's back in town, he could even ride his bike to work. So, crossing fingers!

My second ray of sunshine... I got a surprise visit from my best friend! She was in the area and stopped by to say hi. I was just beyond excited. If you read a few posts back, she went through a rough time, and our friendship had suffered over the past 10 years. But, boy, was it so nice to see her today. She's doing well, very upbeat, looking at moving forward with her life. She might be moving back to this area next year, which excites me to no end. I'd so love to have her closer! I've just been a grinning fool today after she came. I can't even express my happiness in words, I don't think there are any. See? I'm grinning now. And now... Still grinning! Hehe... Happy, happy.

This, that and everything else.

So, I have to say, this week is turning out to be a lovely week. My oldest two are in day camp this week and LOVING it. Such a change from last year when dropping them off resulted in a clingy tear-fest. This year, it's "CYA! BYE!" and not one look back. I'm glad. Danny has really evolved and come out of his shell. He's made a friend on day one and excited to go back and hang out with him. Kelsey has just been her usual self and play with whoever, no one particular kid. Evie can't wait until next year when she's old enough to go.

We took a day trip to Maine this past Saturday. Lot of traffic, but not as bad as it could've been. The place we went to wasn't crowded, and I think because it was overcast, a lot of people stayed away. Good for us! Bill's mom went with us, as usual. The beach we went to is opposite of Portsmouth, NH and the harbor, and we got to see a big ship being brought out to sea.



After the beach, we headed to our favorite spot for dinner. We planned on getting there about 4:30, to beat the dinner crowd. Works perfect that way. Kelsey wanted fried clams, she'd never had them before, so she got them. She ate two and said she didn't want anymore because they "taste strange". LOL! We all got a good laugh at that one.
Bill and I got called "cute" by our waitress. lol, I want to know how old she thought us to be! Bill was sitting across from me, and after our meal, we just automatically were resting our arms on the edge of the table and laced our hands together. Now, this is something we just do, always have, always will. Holding hands. Well, the waitress brought our check over and to clear some plates and she said, "You two are just so cute. It's nice to see people your age like that!" I commented on being together for 15 years and Bill commented on our 10 year anniversary coming up and she was just shocked and amazed and congratulated us and couldn't believe we've been together since high school... it was funny. She, herself, must have been in her mid-twenties at least. So, Bill and I are "cute" lol.
It was a nice mini-vacation. Just a day away...

Difficult Times

So, yeah. Life's been a little insane this week. Ok, maybe "little" isn't the word. Very insane, stressful, heart-breaking... I've cried so much this week alone to make up for a year's worth of tears, I think. And I'm not a crier.

So, a little background. My best friend, we've been friends for over 20 years. Since junior high. We didn't go to the same school, except for one year, and not again until college. She went to a private school. Lots of stuff happened in those years. Her parents went through a nasty, nasty divorce. She was raped. Her mother got remarried. She had a stroke. She went through rehab. And on top of all that, the usual teen stuff like dating and such. We've been through a HELL of a lot together. And then we attended the same college. So, we went through a lot of stuff there together too. Our friendship was the best, until she met this guy.

June, the summer before my final year of college, she asked me my opinion on age differences in dating. Like, what I thought of people dating that were 10 years apart. I remember this conversation over ice cream we had at the top of a local mountain. I remember looking out over the town and choosing my words, about how I felt it depended on the people and actual ages. Obviously, I'd question a 16 and 26 year old dating over a 50 and 60 year old dating. I remember saying how there were a lot of different variables that would make a difference in such a relationship.

A few weeks later, I met her "boyfriend". We stopped for ice cream at a local establishment, and were there for maybe all of a half hour before they had to go. I didn't get much on him. In that brief encounter, he seemed "ok". Funny thing is, I had never heard about this guy. And I didn't see her the rest of that summer, she was constantly "busy". I was a bit confused. I never hear any stories of "how we met" or anything. Nothing. This guy was a mystery. I was concerned because she had gotten out of a psycho relationship months before. And, yeah, this guy was 10 years older (so, 22 and 32).

My concern REALLY increased when I return to college at the end of August/beginning of September and she's suddenly thrilled and showing off an engagement ring. I hadn't really had a chance to chat with her like we usually did. I know it was her life, but up until that point, we had always seeked out each other's counsel on these things. And here I was, left in the dark about this guy, as was everyone else. She claimed she'd known him for a year before dating him, but I'd never, ever heard his name mentioned in any way. All of us girls that were friends were very concerned for her. She was planning her wedding (as was I at the time, I had been engaged since that March) and nothing was stopping her. I even pleaded with her, in tears, that she should wait until she's at least done with school, there's no rush into marriage. But she wouldn't have it. She was planning her wedding for the following July.

During that time, I went through some rough times. I broke off my engagement and for 3 months, I was in turmoil. I had gotten cold feet about the "forever" of marriage. We had been together since high school and I hadn't had much dating experience. I felt so isolated, because she was on cloud nine with her plans and had no time to talk. Thankfully, I got through my issues, and my boyfriend and I got back together and engaged again shortly after. We decided to marry that August. I was graduating in May.

I was her Maid of Honor. She was to be mine. Her wedding was a little chaotic, and I felt I got left out of a lot of things. The dresses were, well, felt more like nightgowns from Little House on the Prairie, while she was in this very formal gown and the guys were in tuxes. I still had my reservations during the whole ceremony, and when the ceremony was over and we were walking down the aisle, I had this feeling of dread, as if I just lost her. I got to the end and lost it. Thankfully, my boyfriend was waiting, because he knew, and was able to pull me aside into a private corner so I could compose myself. Anyone that saw, just assumed I was emotional because my own wedding was the next month.

After her wedding, I heard from her once. She'd come back from her honeymoon (a cruise) and had a question because she had developed an STD while away. I questioned her about him, because the only way you could get it was, well, from him. She said nonsense, and that was that. I'd try calling her about wedding stuff, or just to talk, and he'd answer, saying she was busy and call back or she was out. She'd never call back. I was getting upset and angry. She wasn't showing up for dress fittings, or any other plans. She even left for vacation for 2 weeks before my wedding. At that point, I didn't know if she was going to show up for my wedding. I made a very painful decision to replace her with my sister-in-law-to-be, and my friend, if she showed, would just be a bridesmaid. And I didn't even get to tell her this until a few days before my wedding, when she called me to ask what time the wedding was.

After my wedding, we didn't speak to each other. I gave up trying to call her. He always answered and she was "never there". I really missed her. I even wrote her a few letters, including finding out I was pregnant with my first child. I didn't get to share that much with her, she just wasn't there. She also had a child, after mine, and I really missed out on sharing all those mommy moments of firsts. Other friends of ours also had concerns. He was a very controlling man.

Problems started cropping up. People started telling me things about him drinking. One thing led to another, and a couple of us decided something needed to be done. We organized a trip to her house, without her knowing, and met with her. An intervention. There was rumor of him abusing their daughter, driving drunk with the kids, being violent. She was angry, defensive. She yelled at us, how dare us tell her what is what. We left, more convinced than ever that stuff was happening. We went so far as to go to the police department to talk to someone about it. After that, she didn't call or contact any of us. I had tried calling, but got hung up on, and I wrote to her, but we don't know if she even got them.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I got an email from an acquaintance, telling me my friend's husband was in the hospital and not doing well. Apparently, his family stepped in and he agreed to go to a rehab for alcohol abuse. While there, he went into seizures and slipped into a coma. His chances were slim for survival. He had liver and pancreas failure and a bunch of other stuff. I called my friend's mom, and she confirmed it. I called our other friends, and I wrote her a note, telling her I was thinking of her and that she could call me. She didn't call, I didn't know if she got the letter. But at that point, I felt it wasn't right to call her. She was stressed enough and I didn't know how she felt about me for me to just call.

Sunday, I got an email from the same acquaintance. My friend's husband had passed away the previous night. I was shocked, sadden. Not for him. For her. I didn't quite know how to feel. Part of me felt relief that he was gone. I felt he was a major cause for the breakdown in my friendship with her. But, I didn't want to admit that relief, because it's just not right. But I felt bad for her, what she was going through. What she will go through. She has 2 small children. She's never really worked. Everything they had was in his name. She had nothing. I called her Monday, talked to her. Boy, was that a tough call. But I am so glad I made it.

So, Tuesday, we went to the wake. I had called our other two friends, and they went as well. It was emotional, but not for the reason of his death. It was emotional for my friend. Not seeing her in over a year. And she apologized to us for not listening to us last year. She wants to mend fences and start over. She angry at him for bringing this on herself. And I was surprised at how many people were openly angry at him, and almost glad he was gone. I know for us (me and our friends), there are a lot of questions we may never know the answers to.

So, I am worried about her now. I know after all the formalities settled down with family and dealing with his funeral and such, that reality has to be faced. This I worry about. I'd feel so lost if I were in her place. I have no regrets being a stay-at-home-mom, but in a situation like this, she's now thrown into having to work to support herself and her children. Being the alcoholic he was, I don't know what kind of financial situation he's left her with, and that's a scary prospect. Part of me hopes she'll move back out here, closer to her family, and I am willing to help in anyway I can. I think that would be her best option, but it is her life and her decision.

*sigh*

Frustrated

So, I am about to go medieval on someone's ass. I am literally at the end of my rope. And summer has only JUST begun. When does school start again??? And no, I don't mean for MY kids. Not at all... BUT PLEASE! Make. These. Neighborhood. Heathens. VANISH. From. MY. Existence!!!!! Namely, the little shit back-talker Kyle.

Ok, so I've vented to people before. And this is a DAILY occurrence lately. Today, I have never been so happy for rain. How sad is that? I hate living like a prisoner. It's not fair, and it's not fair to my kids. I don't mind my kids playing with other kids at all. I'd encourage it. BUT, by god, I can't have a kid over that doesn't respect me, our rules or wishes, and that talks back. I can't have a kid over that thinks it's HIS perogative to bang on my door early in the morning, who marches on over when we have company and won't leave. I mean, geez... we went out to do errands yesterday and everyone's in the van, I have one foot in the van to get in and he comes over "to play". I tell him no, he can't be in our yard when we're not there. And he starts WHINING at me, "Whyyyyyy?" UGH.

I've tried the letter to his mother. I doubt she got it, if she did, it hasn't changed a thing. Physically, I can't go marching over there, and usually by the time Bill is home, it's too late or whatnot. I have been contemplating calling police or DSS over "concern" about a young child running in the streets in his PJ's and no apparent parent around. The only problem is, in this small neighborhood, there's problems, and I honestly have had enough living here the past 6 years to cause more. I'd be afraid of retaliation, having my house egged, or bricks thrown through my window. It was bad enough being broken into and our lives threatened 2 years ago, I certainly don't want to do anything to cause anymore damage. But I can't live with this either.

This child is just so disrespectful. He even talks back to Bill. We've had several witnesses (i.e. our GUESTS) to this behavior, and even my mom, who usually has a solution for most problems, is at a loss. Sure, we've gotten the usual "electric fence", "rig the doorbell" and other such solutions, but I need something that is legal and reasonable. Just "telling" this child to not come over, or to come over only at certain times is useless. I'm gathering "Mom" has no control over this child, considering he's out at all hours, in all sorts of stages of dress. I feel bad yelling at this kid in front of mine, because they don't seem to quite grasp the inappropriateness of his behavior, especially my younger 2, who just see a kid to play with. My oldest at least gets that 8am when we're all still in various stages of awakeness is not the time to bang down someone's door to see if they're home to play. And, granted, we live on a dead end, it does NOT make it any safer. I do NOT let my 8 yr old play in the street. Yet these kids are allowed to go wherever they please, regardless. I have seen one too many "almost" accidents.

AAAAAACCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!! HELP!!!!

It's just RAIN!!

So, yeah...
We were out and about yesterday, in the rain. And I SWEAR, just like snow, people get instantly STUPID. It's rain. Water. You will not melt. You will not fall into oblivion. It. is. RAIN.
Tell this to the woman that SLAMS on her brakes for no apparent reason, because the rain comes down a bit harder... or the jerk that runs out in front of you to cross NOT in a cross-walk and WAVES because you HAD to stop. This is why I don't drive much.

And speaking of rain, when it rains, it pours. I am falling apart. Ok, I already knew this. I'm still waiting on results from my "sniff" test I had last Tuesday. Bill saw the screen, my left diaphragm didn't move. *sigh* So, now it's to figure if I do indeed have a hernia and need surgery, or what. Now, on top of that, I have to have a test for "girly" issues. A sonohistogram, or something like that. I'm beginning to feel like a medical experiment. I want to be NORMAL! NOT SICK! UGH UGH UGH!

Games, games, games!

One of the best things we've spent money on. EVER. Well, as far as entertainment. The kids (big kids included!) love playing all these cool games on Shockwave (similar to Pogo, PopCap, Yahoo Games, Youda, etc.). The only downfall is, they are "trial versions" and last 60 minutes or you have to buy them for $20. Well, Shockwave has this wicked cool program, Shockwave Unlimited. You can subscribe to it month by month, but we paid for the year, which is $60, or $5 per month. For that price, you get to download these games and play them, unlimited. Basically, it's like you spent the $20 per game to buy them. It's awesome. And in the month and a half that we've had this, it's paid for itself, oh gosh, 3-4 times over now? And there's no shortage of games. It seems like they add new ones everyday.

So, what are the favorites around here? Danny likes the "food" games. He does want to be a chef. There's one called Hot Dish, where you work in a restaurant and create a menu and then have to prepare it; 3 appetizers, 3 entrees and 3 desserts. You have to chop, stir, sautee and bake items according to the recipes, and create these dishes roughly at the same time so they don't "go bad" and you lose stars. The dishes are rated on their perfection and quality. Sounds hard, but it actually is fun. Kelsey is more into the pet games or the garden games. Alice Greenfingers she likes, you plant your own gardens. She plays the "arcade" types, but she's not fast enough for them. All three kids will laugh and giggle over each other playing games too, like Super Granny (she has to rescue her cats). Bill doesn't play, but I do. My preferred games, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I like games like Diner Dash. Other times I like puzzle games. There's many different kinds of those. Some seek-and-find kinds, some similar to Bejeweled. I like ones with a little storyline to it. I just completed a game yesterday called Turbo Pizza.

The cool thing about these, besides the price tag, is, you've downloaded them, so it saves your progress and more than one person can be playing a game. Just switch the player name when it prompts you. It's also usable on more than one computer. Not like the CD games where you need the CD to play. I could go to Joe Schmoe's house and play, if he let me download one! I wouldn't be able to play a previously saved game though, but that's ok! It's super fun!

Message from beyond

Now, I'm not a religious person by any means. Much to my grandmother's dismay, I was never baptized, never raised with the fear of "god" to strike me down at any moment, never "belonged" to any church. As an adult, I don't believe in organized religion AT ALL. To me, the bible is just another story book, regardless of how influential it is in our history. I'm the one that needs concrete evidence that such-and-such happened. But I do believe there is a "higher being" out there, just it's not an old man dipping his hands in the pot of evolution.

So, with that said, I don't believe in "heaven" or "hell" as physical places someone's soul goes to. What does happen to one after death? I don't know, just like no one else knows. Do we even have a soul? Do we get buried and become worm food? Do we have another existence on another plane that we wander? No one knows. Yes, I believe in ghosts. Why? I've witnessed them. I can count 3 instances of ghostly activity in my life, and all 3 of those were also witnessed by someone else. So, it's not just my perception.

The other thing I believe in, which goes along with ghosts, although, to me, ghosts are more of a physical apparition. But, I believe in spirits of the ethereal world. Those that visit us in our dreams, in our minds. I believe there is a reason we are contacted by them, whether it be an urgent matter, or just a simple reassurance.

I don't know what qualifications someone has to have to be blessed with these visits. Or if some people just brush them off as a "dream" and pay no attention to the meaning. Dreams have meanings. It's just how we use them that matters.

So, my dream last night, I got a surprising, unexpected visit. I was dreaming some event was happening, I was in a hotel room with my parents and Bill. There was no ceiling, or the ceiling was glass, the daylight was pouring in. There was a patio of sorts outside a sunroom, lots of plants. Almost like a greenhouse. I didn't think much of it, we were all discussing arrangements of some sort. All of a sudden, the door opened, and my grandfather walked in, carrying a small pot with a seedling in it. He put an arm around me and said, as he always did, "How's my gal?" I could smell him, he always had this earthy smell, because he was a horticulturist, and soil was a huge part of his life.

My grandfather passed away in August of 2003 of cancer. A week after my grandparent's 60th anniversary. There was no funeral, just a memorial service at their church. Bill and I were to leave that same day for a week vacation for our 5th anniversary. Everyone urged us to go, he wouldn't want us to change our plans. So, we did. A month later, we found out I was pregnant. Totally unplanned, totally unexpected, as I had been on birth control.

I had been close to my grandpa. I spent lots of summers with them growing up. I'd follow Grandpa around, helping him in his greenhouse, in his gardens. He grew plants year round. I remember snowy days, sitting in the warm greenhouse, the smell of the wood stove drying chestnuts and soil and plants. Feeling the soil, soft and warm on my hands. Learning how to split a flat of seedlings to transplant them into single pots. Being taught how to take a cutting of a plant and create a new plant.

It's now nearing the end of April. Time to start gardening. And I've been debating if I should start the plants inside now, so that by the end of May, they will be ready for the garden. I think Grandpa gave me my answer. This isn't the first time he's visited me. Last year he did the same. And the year before. Always walked into my dream with some sort of gardening message.

Change

It amazes me, as I get older, how much people can change. Those once revered as friends, suddenly become strangers almost overnight. No rhyme or reason, I guess. I'm just left standing in the dust, looking perplexed and shell-shocked at suddenly falling from grace and losing out on all that was familiar to me.

It's certainly tough being thrown into mourning a loss you had no control over, no warning, being hit blindsided with. How to put into perspective that which you can't understand and apparently have no way to understand?

I'm not a fan of change. I like sticking to the familiar and comfortable. This is why I still live in the area I grew up in. I took a leap of faith 13 years ago to attend a college almost 2 hours away. So adventurous, eh?

Yeah, whatever...